Hello there again, my friends,
Today, I’m immersed in thinking about living with stress because I’m preparing a talk about it. I’ve been writing ideas and thoughts and outlines, feeling interested, and then stressed, and then excited about the fun of the process and being with this group who invited me to speak. I do find the humor in my feeling the stress of giving a talk about living with stress. When I am invited to speak on a given subject, people usually expect me to be The Expert. What I know about myself is that I do have some information to share, but my actual “expertise” lies in plugging along being human. So preparing for this talk gives me another opportunity to expand my personal awareness of what goes on for me regarding stress in my life.
What immediately comes to mind regarding me and this subject is my old hangout: overwhelm. Oh yes, I know that spot very well. But for most of my life, I’d say I ignored it, and continued with what I was doing while I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed … and then frantic and overwhelmed. How in the world did I do all I did with those feelings going on? From this vantage point of my life, I’d say that I ignored what I didn’t want to feel and then was able to be unaware … until I couldn’t anymore. My body finally wouldn’t continue that way, and my physical heart let me know what could not be ignored. When I was overwhelmed or took on more than I should be doing, my heart would race hard and fast and beat unevenly. With no other choice, I listened.
So how do I know that you live with stress? Well, are you human, too? Okay then. That’s how I know. As a part of being human, you are living with stress. First we have the closest stressors. If you have any relationships with other people at all, you are stressed. And the closer the people are and the more they matter to us, the more stress we might experience in those relationships. The fact is that other people simply will not do exactly what we would like them to do all of the time … or what we would like them to say or be or think that would make us feel better, safer. Not all of the time or even most of the time. As I say to people who complain about this fact in my office, “I know! It’s so aggravating. If the people in my life would just shape up, I’d be living a stress-free life.” Or would I? Do you have work deadlines or presentations, or a sick child, or an empty refrigerator, or a big family celebration to prepare, or a special gift to get … or a deep loss?
We also live with hurricanes and threats of hurricanes, and fear of nuclear war, or what happens to our healthcare or our savings, or our health or … what about a sinkhole opening up under our house? Perhaps we need to expand who and what needs to shape up … how about everyone and everything? Would that work? I don’t know about you, but even if that would magically happen, I have my doubts that most of us would feel stress-free. I believe that the real challenge is right in my mirror, i.e., me! And for you? Well, you decide.
How I look at myself and my relationships and my community and my world has the greatest effect on how I feel. What are my beliefs about how “things work?” Is everything a struggle? Do I feel loved or unloved? Excuse me for this trite example, but is my glass half empty or half full? As our human selves we do collect thoughts, feelings, ideas and beliefs about ourselves and others and how it all fits together in this world from the beginning of our lives, and then we live as though those thoughts, feelings, ideas, and beliefs are The Truth. Any other information that comes in to us, we either do not notice or we do not bother to collect in our files. Unexamined, the proof of these thoughts, feelings, ideas and beliefs continue to show up in our lives, and our stress—and even misery—grows. (That’s an important paragraph. Please read it again and let the meaning sink in.)
One of the most helpful and wonderful learnings I have had in my life is that I have a choice about all of that. Yes, it’s all a choice. If I’m willing to consider a different perspective when looking at whatever comes in to me, then I am free to consider different points of view and approaches to my life. Ken Burns, director of the new PBS film The Vietnam War, said, “This project was almost daily humiliation about how much I didn’t know, and when you understand that, then it permits you to shift your perspective.” The Truth I personally learned and believed about my own life, the one that left me feeling sad and stressed and “not good enough” in general, was not the only truth that existed, if I were willing to “shift my perspective.” Imagine. It was up to me …
Of course, there is always a “yes, but” argument to this approach to life, and I found my share of those arguments, too. But then I read and heard about people who had survived the death camps of the Holocaust and the prisoner or war camps in Vietnam. Some of those courageous, remarkable people not only survived but also found reasons and ways to keep their sanity and their own spirit, and even helped others do the same. So I thought, surely if those people could find reasons and ways to live with such grace in unthinkable conditions after unbearable loss, how could I possibly not keep learning and practicing the skills that would allow me to feel good about my own imperfect, but blessed life. This is not a perfect life … perfect lives do not exist…but I have seen with practice that when I look around up close or further out, more is going well than not at any particular moment. Always. And again, I return once more to spirit, either in my own heart or in others, I do know that it is possible for me to find the “all is well.”
Do NOT allow yourself to look at the contrary examples around you in the moments that you want to practice strengthening your sense of the “all is well.”This is a practice. Instead of practicing what you do not want, practice what you do want. On the days that you can’t find what you want to feel inside, increasing “your susceptibility to catch other peoples’ joy” is one of the suggestions by Kelly McGonigal,Ph.D., psychologist and lecturer at Stanford University. And if that doesn’t work for you, do find what will. Answers do exist for you. You will find an answer that is yours … and when that answer no longer works, you will find another one, another way. I promise that it’s possible.
As I was writing today, a song I had been recently reminded of came to my mind: Listen, listen to my heart’s song. It’s a chant and is sometimes sung as a round, and the longer you listen or sing it, the deeper the connection to it can become. Then, proving that life is interesting, the next song that came across my computer was a wonderfully fun video of Mick Jagger and David Bowie singing Dancing in the Streets. Quite a contrast in songs, and yet what they had in common for me is that both of them made me feel alive, although in very different ways. The links for both of these you will find below.
Again, I say that I promise it is possible to find the best way for yourself to live more easily and happily…or at least a better way … and then another better way for now, until the next one shows up, or until you decide to practice the one you have discovered. All experiments for us human beings living our lives.
As always, for you who visits here with me as you read, I wish you many blessings and deep awareness of all of them…with love to you…
Now on to the music:
Listen, listen, listen
Dancing in the Street
Dawn
Great article Dale! So true! With so much negativity bombarding us daily, stepping back and out, shifting our perspective, can provide great relief. As you said, we certainly cannot control so much of what happens outside of us — even when we want to, but we do have choices and power within. Very wise words — as usual!!!!
Dale Midgette Smith
Thank you, Dawn. It does seem that the choices and power within is a large enough challenge, which then does make changes around us…thank goodness. I appreciate your comment about my words, as a wise woman yourself.
Julene Roberts
WOW! Once again you lead us into thoughtful introspection and then joy!
Thanks!
Julene
Dale Midgette Smith
So much depends on the eye of the beholder, doesn’t it? Thank you, my friend, for following and beholding.
Andy Horne
Ah,thanks for sharing. Good to follow your self exploration process and learn of the humaneness and the outcome: we can influence our wellbeing. With appreciation, Andy
Dale Midgette Smith
Thank you, Andy. Yes, it does seem to me that influencing our own well-being is what is vital for the well-being of all. And by the way, I recently shared your story about “I am here. Are you?” at the workshop about the challenge of stress. The story was well-liked…of course.