Easy Enough, Says the Crazy Lady

Yes, those are my feet. And I did wear those two different shoes out of the house to get a haircut. When later in the day, I actually discovered I was wearing two different shoes, by looking at one foot and being surprised that was the shoe I had on, and then looking at the other one and…well, you get the drift … I took a photo of me wearing those shoes to send to the adults who used to be my children. I think it’s part of my responsibility to keep them informed of my small slips. That way, they won’t have a huge shock at some time in the far future. Also, it may work in my favor in that they will say “Oh, our mom was always that way,” which definitely could happen and may even be happening now for all I know.

Recently. having e-mailed a friend about my project plans and how I saw myself proceeding with the steps on the project for that day, I realized as I wrote “easy enough” that “ridiculous enough” was more like it. I could not possibly complete in one day what I had written. I would be fortunate if I even got started. “Our mom was always that way” fits here, too, in that I have always had bigger plans than would fit in the allotted time. Back then, in that particular always, was when I had more energy to keep going, and rarely gave myself any time to pick up a book, let alone be immersed in reading the most recent one that had me in its grip. So on this particular day at this particular stage of life, in my e-mail to my friend when I wrote “easy enough” referring to my list, I also knew to add “says the crazy lady.” I may still make my lists longer than could be accomplished, but at least I have become wise enough to know when I’m crazy … and sometimes I know to say “whatever” and enjoy myself.

I have felt a bit lost in crazy lately. I am a creative person, and when the creative surge gets going, I frequently start more than one thing at a time. I want to cook a luscious meal including a pie, move the furniture, plant some flowers, paint a story for a grandchild’s rocking chair, write what is on my mind, and some other project — lately a large decorative gate for the back of our house that I will paint with birds and sunshine and words from a song that express the joy of living. That’s all. That surge feels so good, so much better than the world in which children are being separated from their parents and floods take over the places where people have lived for generations and sexual assault is dismissed and underestimated and our country is dangerously, angrily divided by our less than best selves. Then suddenly I am overwhelmed from the inside and the outside. I am overwhelmed by the anger and pain I see around me and overwhelmed by what I am wanting to do with my creativity and don’t get fully going as much as I wanted.

I have felt this surge of unfocused creativity previously, but this last round was different in my awareness and reaction. I didn’t judge myself. I simply noticed. It seemed as though I was spending more time quietly. I began to detach from what was around me. I saw around me what was there to do; I simply did not feel connected to it. That was not crazy, just new for me. And that’s when I knew that some change was coming inside.   September 2018

*****

I wrote the above unfinished musing before we had heard of the coronavirus and what it could do to the world we live in and our individual lives. I happened on the piece today, as we have been living in this covid19 changed world for about three months. As I first read, I thought “oh, this isn’t appropriate for now” but then I realized that, of course, the feelings are current. The overwhelm. The fear. The anger and pain and divisiveness everywhere. All current. The need for me to detach in order to survive with my spirit. The need to spend quiet time. The awareness of change coming outside and inside. All appropriate.

Two other thought streams come to me to explore with you as I consider sharing in this now…and whatever now you are living as you read it:

1. Joy Harjo in her beautiful memoir, Crazy Brave, wrote about some creative people burning up with their creativity because it seems bigger than they are and they couldn’t focus enough to get to the expression. That rang some very unpleasant bells for me, and I must say that the bells rang with some judgement of myself this time. Apparently I did know two years ago about “simply noticing” rather than “judging myself” about what I see myself doing or thinking or feeling. I will put in another reminder about that. Okay. This continues to be vitally important right now for each of us. NOTICE ONLY. Got it?
2. Yesterday I listened to a podcast from On Being with Krista Tippet interviewing Stephen Batchelor about Finding Ease in Aloneness: The Art of Solitude. I will listen to that podcast again because what they were saying surged inside of me, stirring my own knowing, but using words I didn’t yet know how to say. Solitude is not loneliness when I have connection with myself and my spirit. In that place I am never alone. The more I connect with my own spirit through being in my own body fully, being aware of being in my own body fully, feeling whatever is there whether I like it or not in that moment, whether it is pleasant or unpleasant … The more I do that, the more free I feel, the more connected I am … the less I look for that connection elsewhere or have expectations to get it outside of myself. I have spent time with this concept for many years, but this time I feel the change in a new way. What a blessing …

So that’s it, dear ones who read here with me today, whatever day you are reading. I hope you enjoyed the humor of the first part of this. We all need some humor. Shoes from two different pairs on my feet at the same time … and out in the world with it that way. Easy enough, says the crazy lady…

I hope this finds you connecting with your own spirit as we continue on this unknown path ahead.  As always, I send thoughts for the very best along your way …

And of course, great love,

May 2020

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