She Who Travels with Tulips

What a strange title for this chrysanthemum/poinsettia time of year. What do tulips have to do with November and December, you might wonder, although I did see some at Publix recently. However, I’ve been gone from you a long time this round, and perhaps gone from myself some, which is the point of what I want to write to you.

In the past five months, my husband has been in the hospital four times and had three surgeries. We have been surrounded by friends and family and all kinds of messages filled with love and prayers and powerful wishes and kindness and strength and healing. The messages have been powerful for us both. We have returned to them over and over when we needed reminding and gathered wonderful connection each time. I am happy to say that my husband’s healing is amazing and it seems that he is finally nearing a return to his usual life in a short time .

Most of the messages we received also lovingly reminded me to take care of myself, to rest and take breaks. I have appreciated those reminders and do understand how vital that is for caregivers. On one particular day in the third and longest round of this very long process, as I was getting things for my husband out of our car to take up the sloped walk into the medical rehab facility, to the elevator up to the second floor and down the hall to his room at the very end, I was especially tired. Bending over to pick up the things from the back seat, I thought, I am so tired. How in the world do I take care of myself in this situation? I teach self-care. I should know. But how?

In that moment, I suddenly remembered a note a friend had given me some months ago, when I had been at her office. It was the end of a week, and I had carried tulips with me from my office to take home to enjoy over the weekend. My friend admired my tulips, and before I left her, she said that she had thought of a name for me: She Who Travels with Tulips. When I got home, I found tucked in the flowers the note to remind me of my new name. I wondered in the present, as I carried the items to my husband, where that woman was, the one who was named “travels with tulips.” The note had kept showing up here and there in my papers, but the woman herself seemed so far away.

That same night as, leaving my husband, I was walking to our car, the full moon was clearly in view. The sight of any moon makes me smile. And then that moon was visible to me again as I turned into our street, as though it was waiting for me there, showing me the way. At home, after I parked the car in the garage, I walked outside to see the moon one more time peeking through our neighbor’s tree at me. I smiled at the beauty, and I honestly felt filled with peace. As tired as I was, I could feel a lightness in my body. Oh, being in that exact moment, experiencing that particular now. That was how I was taking care of myself.

The next morning as I waited for the long red light to change to green to leave our neighborhood, I had a similar experience. On the side of the street, a lone long-necked egret stood, apparently eyeing a bite of food, very still and focused. Those egrets are so elegant. I love that they frequent our neighborhood. Again, I smiled and felt the peace in my body. Oh…again, this is what taking care of myself is. I am doing it. Bravo!

Breathing in, I calm my mind and body

Breathing out, I smile.*

“You must be present to win” someone said about mindfulness. That person was referring to being present in our lives, no matter what is going on. I have known that my husband and I are both present with the people around us, in the hospitals in the rehab facilities. We have been able to connect with so many wonderful caregivers and feel their kindness. Nurses, doctors, aides, other staff. We laughed a lot and visited with these people as they did their jobs. We were present to share moments of life with them and fully appreciate them in all they did, for us and others. That is taking care of myself. Being present to win. The next time the traveling with tulips note showed up, I put it in my desk drawer, where I would see it regularly.

This morning, I was particularly tired again, feeling my 75 years as old. Old and tired were my thoughts. I’m an old woman. Then for some reason, lying in bed with no energy to get up, what went through my mind was “I am strong; I am invincible; I am woman.”, words from Helen Reddy’s song from the 1970s. That song became a feminist anthem that implied the strength of women, not being lesser, not being without a voice, being equal. Fighters. But why in the world would that come to me this morning. I have done the invincible part in my younger years, kept going when I didn’t want to, kept fighting to do and be more, finding my voice and using it. What in the world did that have to do with this particular now that those words would come to me? So lying in my bed, I asked Google Home to play the song. Helen Reddy sang “Yes, I am wise, but it’s wisdom born of pain. Yes, I’ve paid the price, but look how much I’ve gained.”

So once more, I was being present to win. Wisdom. Yes, I have been seeing myself as becoming wise, growing into my wisdom over several years, and knowing it more and more. It is a pleasure to be with that sense of myself. At this part of my life, being invincible means something different than it did in my 20s and 30s, even my 50s. Thinking of myself this morning as “an old woman” was ageism, based on old thinking of what old means. However tired I am, I am not my grandmother’s 75. Helen Reddy came to me to save me from that kind of worn out thinking.

Now, at this stage of life I do know that being invincible has to do with my spirit. Maybe that was always true. But now I know it. Taking care of myself means feeding my spirit. In situations of life like our last five months, I can ask people to help where they can, which I have been doing. I can lie in bed longer and ponder, which I do on some days. Or even watch mindless TV when I get home tired at night. But when I open the drawer to my desk, I am reminded every day of “She Who Travels with Tulips.” That’s how I take care of myself. Remember who I am. Sometimes I am very tired. And I am wise, invincible, filled with spirit, watching the moon, and the egrets, and knowing what my spirit means to my husband just having me there in the room with him while he sleeps. To be that person, I must take time to rest, to feed my spirit, to travel with tulips in my heart.

Breathing in, I calm my mind and body

Breathing out, I smile.

Dwelling in the present moment, I know that this is the only moment.*

Blessings to all of you in this season and your own tulip season, whatever that may be.

Amen.

*Thich Nhat Hahn

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