Earlier this week was not the first time that I came across the concept that everything is about either loving or not loving. It fits with the idea that all of our emotions can be divided into either love or fear. And also that at every moment we are either giving to or taking away from relationship. All three of those thoughts have been written about and spoken about in a variety of ways over long times. Early philosophers and leaders spoke of them in one way or another. They are certainly not original with me or with any of the current people whom I have read or heard. And yet, each time those ideas sound new and startling. Of course, those are the choices; of course, those are the only possibilities. Wow, if I had known that sooner, I would have done a lot of things differently…Oh…I did know about that sooner…and more than once. In fact, I’ve had lots of chances to know about that. So what’s the problem then?
For one thing, the way I see it, ideas like that are a mighty tight fit. No wiggle room at all. Love or not love. Love or fear. Giving to or taking away from. Every action, every choice, every moment. Where do those leave me on the day that I really don’t feel like it or on the day that I’m busy or here’s a good one, on the day that the other person has been a real jerk? What about those days then? Same thing. Love or not love. Love or fear. Giving or taking away from. Period. Bottom line. That’s it.
The tight fit here, though, is the fit of taking ultimate and total responsibility for what I think and feel and how I act. No wiggle room for lack of personal responsibility regardless of external circumstances. On the other hand, the absolute expansiveness of living my life as that version of myself who chooses love seems to come with more freedom than any wiggle room could provide. Wiggle room allows for just that, after all, only enough room to wiggle. While love…well, total, ultimate love provides room to fly.
So why is it again that I would forget these concepts, more than once? Forget the option of flying? Opt for wiggle room only? FEAR. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.
I’ve looked away from the keyboard several times rather than write that word. I glanced out at the green Ohio field in front of me, looking for some other inspiration for an answer, but all I saw in any direction was the word “FEAR. FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR, FEAR.”
Sometimes I am simply afraid to remember what I have known over and over again. I am afraid to be brave enough to fly, to speak my truth, to be enough about love to be honest and clear and kind and gracious and accountable. And if I were all of those things, I would be kind to myself about the forgetting also, as well as holding myself accountable, knowing that who I prefer and intend to be is the version of me who chooses love and flying everytime. Which today all seems simple enough, sitting on the glider on the side porch of a big old house in Ohio.
