I have considered and wondered and written about love for most of my life, I think. The first love I consciously thought about was romantic, which to me meant sacrifice and loss as the movies from the post-World War II war era showed us, and as was true for my mother who was widowed at thirty-three. I definitely had a cardboard cutout ideal of romantic love, and not having many, if any, other models beyond those movies and my mother’s life, my learning was slow going. I learned by trial and lots of repetition of the same error over and over again.
When I had children, that was a different love to learn about, and early on, so clearly fresh and easy and innocent and honest. I did simply adore those babies of mine. I found that love totally unfettered, until of course, eventually, the child’s needs and my needs were in conflict and there I was again, trying to understand more about love and how it worked … in the laboratory of my life and theirs through experimentation. I read many books and articles, and took some courses in childhood development and parenting. I asked questions and I listened to other parents. My children, as all children, were perfectly willing for me to continue my learning in that arena. As soon as I felt comfortable with a particular way to live in love … and sanity … with them, they would enter another developmental stage, and I would have yet another opportunity to learn and practice. In that process, I did develop a foundation of beliefs about love and life, and my developmental scurry was done on that foundation of thought through solid beliefs, even though imperfectly, as an imperfect human being.
Much later, I heard these words about love from my dear friend, writer and founder of Time to Think, Nancy Kline. Nancy taught, “Treat yourself as you would your dearest love.” That was a new concept for sure. The focus of love was no longer external, outside of me, but internal, loving who I found inside, treating myself with care and kindness and respect. This was totally opposed to what my generation of girls had been taught, but I found that as I began to learn about loving myself, then the more filled up I was with love, the more I had to give with no effort at all. Just like that.
Beyond that, I found that truly living life with love as a foundation is a demanding experience, as well as the most fulfilling one I can imagine. Just when I think I have let go of what I thought was the very last bit of letting go, and expanded to a final outpost of loving, I find that there continues to be more for me to do. More letting go; more expanding to love more. More and more. And it isn’t always pretty, as with most of our human growth. I have said, or more to the point, screamed “WHAT???? This, too???” usually looking up and shaking my fist for awhile. Maybe gritting my teeth. Maybe adding “you gotta be kidding!” Maybe taking to my bed to rage and cry and hide out. But then, there I am again. Because over and over, the letting go and the expanding take me to places I could never have imagined, better than I could have imagined. And I say again “This too?” but now in a whisper. “Me? I get to have this, too?”
I have no doubt that there is much more for me to discover on this subject of love, and I guess that’s about all I do know for sure about it: there will always be more to learn and discover. Which then brings me to what else I’ve been thinking about love, and that concerns recalibration. It may not seem at first look like a smooth connection here, love and recalibration, but bear with me for a few sentences, and see if I can make sense of it for you. I have used the word “recalibration” in the titles of these last three posts, because I’ve been having that feeling of something internal coming to the surface for me. I checked out the synonyms of recalibrate and the ones that struck me are transform, metamorphose, transmute. I love those words. I do some work here and there and then after months or maybe longer, suddenly an even bigger picture than I had considered appears, and I am in it! Transformed into it. As I used to tell couples in my office, I had spent much of my life trying to change the parts of myself that didn’t fit with my vision of the person I wanted to be. Sometimes I was successful in that change, but I had reached the point that I didn’t want to work at change anymore! Please do NOT tell me that I need to change!! I am, however, willing to be transformed, recalibrated, transmuted, and even to learn more patience in the process. The reason I told these couples about transformation was that they were each embarking on a learning, practicing, growing journey for their marriages that could actually show up that way. When they would be open and committed to a plan of learning and practicing together, then truly one day they would experience some small transformations and then some bigger ones. I knew it was true because I had seen it happen over and over again with couple after couple; so it was easy for me to teach it, and in teaching, I was relearning it, again and again, and trusting even more in that process that I was humbled to witness.
We’ve all heard that love is not a noun; it’s a verb. We love in our actions, even small ones, maybe especially small ones repeated over and over. And we mess up. Because that’s what we humans seem to do. But what matters is the going back and repeating the small actions of love again and again, for ourselves and for others. Giving ourselves credit for our small actions of love; giving others credit for theirs. Allowing ourselves to give it and also to feel it when it’s given to us. Over and over and over. Name it. Claim it. This is love and this is love and I can feel myself giving love in this and I can feel the love coming to me in this. And breathe into it, and breathe it in, and then do that again and again. Find and feel and even trust your own recalibration taking place in that breath and practice and love.
Transfiguration was not one of synonyms for recalibration on the list that I found. But the example I recently read for transfiguration is perfect for what I want to add to what I’m sharing with you today: “in this light the junk undergoes a transfiguration; it shines.” And so be it. That’s what I’ve been talking about the whole time. That’s what I want to be seeing in the life around me, even in some of the big, ugly junk that seems to be everywhere in the world: in the light of love, it shines. In recalibration, transmuting, transforming, transfiguration, we can indeed allow ourselves the gift of moving further into love, seeing more clearly where love shines through, looking for it, finding it, honing it, honoring it. Shining for all of us.
Amen and love to you … more and more …
Kimball Love
What a journey. Thanks for sharing your loving insights. 😍
Dale Midgette Smith
You are certainly welcome, Kim. And thank you for being part of this journey with me!
Trish H.
Richard Rohr said this past weekend that love is “perfect diversity and perfect unity.” Transfiguring imperfect circumstances, YES!
Dale Midgette Smith
How “perfect”! I’d like to know more about what he said on that subject.
Julene Roberts
For some reason, this post reminds me of the line from Leonard Cohen’s song “Suzanne” about looking amid the garbage and the flowers…. and so much more of that song. Thank you Dale.
Dale Midgette Smith
Ah, Julene, I listened to Cohen singing Suzanne and read the lyrics, too, just now, and see what you mean. There is a connection, isn’t there, between the line you mention from Suzanne and the idea of transfiguration that makes junk shine in the light of love. Perfect. Thank YOU!