Finding the Light

posted in: Musings 8

lightI have been struggling to write this on time for it to post on its scheduled date of December 1. I have made a few starts on paper that seem to go nowhere and a few more going on in my head as thoughts come to me and then float away, nothing solid enough to hold on and get to paper, or more accurately to Word. In other words, I’ve been stuck. And as I sit here now, I am still not sure where this will go!

I had envisioned talking about holidays. Our family celebrates Christmas, and I am also aware of other celebration traditions, many holy, at this time of year. I wanted to honor that fact as I wrote. I mentioned those concerns to a friend who said that most of the traditions at this time of year have light as a central part of their story. Well, now, light is an easy subject for me. I LOVE light. We have large windows in the living area of our home, with views of the outside always available, as well as daylight streaming in. I don’t think I ever walk by those windows without looking outside and appreciating the nature that I see. We also have lights year round in our back yard, little white ones that have been around the perimeter fence since my first Christmas in this house twenty-one years ago. I loved their shining so much that Christmas that I left them up, and that was before having those lights up “was done.” I was the recipient of a lot of good-natured teasing, which might have even added to my fun. I loved my lights.

For the past seventeen years, my husband has managed those lights, which has been a gift to me. They are, after all, my lights, even though since him, I have no maintenance tasks with them at all. He has also added larger white lights around the porch of our shed, as well as a large outdoor standing chandelier that he made for me as a Christmas present one year. Those lights all shine every night and bring me joy, no matter what else is going on in my life or touching my life. Light is always a symbol of hope, isn’t it? The dawn after the dark, the light at the end of the tunnel, a night light left shining, a candle in the window. “Break forth, o beauteous heavenly light, and usher in the morning.” Coming home after a high school date, my daughter’s boyfriend asked her why a lighted candle was on the sidewalk near our front steps. She told him, “my mother left that burning for me” since our electricity had been out after a storm and the front light was out. She hadn’t seen me put that candle out there, nor had I mentioned it to her. But she knew. Her mother left that candle burning for her until she was safely home.

My daughter and her husband have a beautiful 10-month-old baby girl and live 800 miles away. They won’t be home for the holidays this year. I miss her and them. My son and his family live only a few minutes away from us, and we are so fortunate in that, at holidays and all year long. But guess what? My oldest grandson is now thirteen and beginning to have his own life and activities in a bigger way. WHAT? I knew from the beginning that I would have to let go of my children gradually from the time they were two and started to explore, and so on, until they were grown and gone and having their own careers and spouses and then families. But I don’t think anyone ever mentioned to me about letting go of grandchildren, too! Although my mother could have mentioned it, since as I look back, I know that letting go of her grandchildren as we moved away to a different town was painful for her. More painful than she would say and more than I wanted to know at the time.

So now I see how getting to the writing of this post was difficult for me. Holidays are not all magic and joy, are they? Since we are humans, we are complicated in our feelings. We struggle with letting go of hurts and anger. We struggle with accepting some people that happen to be family members. We struggle over election results and fear of the future. We struggle, and we try to pretend that we aren’t having some of the feelings that we are having, even though those feelings are normal, human feelings. And denied, those feelings can leak out to create unexpected messes, as well as block us from the joy we really want to feel. Denying the unpleasant feelings, which are human, keeps us stuck from the light … or even from writing about the light, as it turns out in my case.

So, the holiday season is continuing with celebrations of many of the world’s major religions this month. The season of light is upon us. I certainly wish for you, as you read this right now, a sense of finding your own light and allowing it to wash over you in whatever way is meaningful to you, which may have to start with recognizing some of what is unpleasant or uncomfortable first. Or as a very wise life-long friend wrote to me recently: Take care, and be grouchy when you need to be and happy when it passes … and I’ll do the same.

Amen and love.

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8 Responses

  1. Jean
    |

    Amen and love to you, too, Dale. What a perfect message for December! ! !

  2. Dale
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    So glad you like the message!

  3. Diane
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    Wow….just gonna stick with Wow and thank you 😊

  4. Brenda Faiber
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    A heartwarming, enlightening message to bring with me this holiday season!
    Happy Holidays to you & your family.
    Thank you Dale for sharing.😍
    Brenda

    • Dale
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      Brenda, thank you for your comment, which for some reason I just found. I hope that your holidays have been good, and wish you continued heart-warming and enlightenment in the New Year!

  5. Debbie
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    Dear Dale,

    Thanks for the almost-secret Santa gift as I feel this musing was. It is Sunday evening. My first evening at Nate’s house with my new grand baby. I am staying the week long with a single light burning beside me as I read your musing. You always write something or say something or do something that just touches some lively, tender place in me–the place in me that I am more than ok with.
    Love you.

    • Dale
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      Hello, Debbie, as with Brenda’s comment, I just now found yours. Ah…the lively, tender place. Lovely. I know that a new grandbaby finds the wonderful love in that place, too. Blessings to all of you…and love…